11:29 p.m. - 2003-05-11
that's what people are made of
you know, for at least this once, black arrow is right - fuck this shit, all this childish gossip bullshit. and yet i can't get out of it. two years ago i had none of it and now it's crucial to so much of what i do. the world (or myself) never grows up, i never seem to find myself secure in a position with people where i don't have to talk shit about //////, where i don't have to feel guilty or silly for saying i feel bad for ///, that i think ///'s kinda cute and sad in a way that i connect to....and it bends my thinking so that when i actually am dealing with /// i start believing the myth instead of actually taking in what i see before me.
of course, i've been told this before, by none other than black arrow herself. i think she was wrong then in what she was actually referring to but that tendency is there in me (and in all of us new south hipsters*) and it keeps us all from something purer and deeper and it makes us all exhausted and ready to blow ourselves out of existence rather than go through another stupid weekend.
i know it sounds like i'm in a bad mood and being melodramatic, but i'm actually feeling kind of peaceful and honest. what it all comes down to, my friend, is that we're all participants in this absurdity. that includes me and everybody else i've seen in the last, i don't know, few weeks, with a couple of pure exceptions. some of us are guiltier than others - at least, guilty at different times. but we've got to stop. somehow. i wish it was new year's, i could make a resolution to stop spreading stories around for the delight in spreading them, and stop taking delight in other people's stories for the pure fact that they're stories -
but then, what would we have to talk about? music and shit below and i guess ideas above. but how many ideas are there? perhaps ultimately the highest achievement humanity has got is the ability to tie ourselves to a permanent wheel of gossip so that we don't all go crazy with the boredom and emptiness of what's actually going on: work, eat, sleep, play.
or maybe i just need to get back in touch with my hippie-er side and let the hipness and all its adherents go. but it is so hard to disattach oneself from people - actually not hard, but scary, dangerous, unknown. i am a timid soul when it comes to such things, and i cling sometimes most desperately to the things i need least in my life. i don't have to tell you stories for you to know that.
i am not ready to make any grand apologies or resolutions because i am not yet brave enough to follow through on them. perhaps i can still find another way out.
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* 'new south hipsters' is the name of a song i keep meaning to finish writing that will tear all of this to shreds
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