11:54 p.m. - 2004-04-05
i will never be in your pictures
i don't put two and two together enough about my moods. like, when you eat a bunch of sugar and then an hour later you're unnecessarily bummed for no reason at all, and it takes you like three more hours to realize, oh, wait, duh, coming down off of sugar, i'm going to feel shitty. i don't make those connections well.
for example, it takes great effort and insight for me to realize every single time that the reason i'm so short-fused (both to become pissy/condescending as well as mopey/overly-sensitive) is fucking school! it's immeasurable how much it screws with my mind to have things "due" in the upcoming future, to have to be thinking about projects that are coming up, to have to work my weekends around such matters as class presentations et cetera. sometimes the stress this generates is obvious and overwhelming but often it's merely the moderate background hiss-stress that gradually makes things more and more intolerable without ever showing its face. i want school to just evaporate away and leave me the fuck alone. i wonder what sort of person i would be then. i think i would be more likeable. i would probably still be miserable and lonely some fraction of the time but at least those fractions would be more discretely separated from the rest of things.
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