11:22 p.m. - 2004-04-10
another sad daynight and i ain't got nobody
in the course of the day i had many thoughts that would make good journal entry concepts:
1. the ethics of assassination
2. how travlea, good sleep, beautiful weather, running into a woman of mystery, easter egg hunts, and modest mouse can lead one to forget the feeling of lameness
3. how allergies, wasting time, people cancelling plans, having no plans anyway, and emails remaining unresponded-to can reinstate the feeling of lameness.
i don't even have the energy to be my blah-type self these days. i wish there was somebody around that i hated and who would read this diary so i could write -
i hate you.
- and have that be an entry by itself. oh that would feel somewhat cathartic.
there is virtually no food in this house that i want to eat. i haven't eaten a meal since little italy at 3 PM. it's 11:30 PM or so. that probably explains my lame mood, but a better explanation is the fact that i'm probably going to end up going to bed shortly, having done nothing of any consequence at all with the evening. just like every other saturday night in the past month. last night i reviewed my planner to figure out when exactly i stopped having a life that was on the balance first-rate. just when i'd figured it out, a guy passing me on the street said "i bet you suck cock" and i forgot everything.
i think allergies make me dazed a bit. it was like a minute before it occurred to me that i should be annoyed at the guy and i could have said all sorts of good comebacks and started a fight but the weight between my eyes eased me back into the chair and refused to send any electricity into my lips. that is the condition i gradually sank into after the easter egg hunt, surrounded by seemingly rather fun and nice people, as time went on i found myself speaking less and less, because it is not only too much work to make my tongue lift, there was also not a thought in my head that wanted to be said.
maybe i need allergy medicine. maybe i need to escape school. maybe everybody needs to fuck off and die. but i'm never able to say that last one like i mean it. because i would miss a lot of people. even some of the ones that in my haste i wish would fuck off and die.
if i was a drinking man, this is the night i would get drunk and decide to delete this diary because it's so curse-wording pointless
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