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4:02 a.m. - 2004-04-17
sincere
sure, it would be better to have two smoke-laced, happily weary skeletons collapsing straight from party to sleep than one: it would be warm, and not so lonely. and sure, we would be marvelous together, and i might have a chance of eventually making you believe about yourself all the things i believe about you. it's not going to happen, though, at least not according to any script anybody's written just yet.

conventional dogma of the insecure schmoe (ie of me) says that being placed firmly in the 'friend zone' is a fate worse than death. whatever, okay: to be a 'friend' to a beaming pocket of all our lives' contradictions and best intentions is a hell of a lot more lovely than being a 'nobody' or an 'asshole.'

these are sentiments i remind myself of on a regular basis (as i have to face these situations on a regular basis) but tonight walking home, feet sore but everything else okay, i spontaneously generated this philosophy not as a rationalization but as a genuinely held emotion. i am glad i am a person of such qualities (whatever they are) that you look at me saying we would be ideal for each other, and say "but you're **!" on lesser nights of even a week ago i might think of all the lamest and most miserly interpretations of such a statement, but tonight i am going to be better than that and take it as a compliment.

i still think you are mistaken about how things would go with us, but, you know, whatever! you don't want to go out with me, and my newfound centeredness helps me remember that that is so far from being the end of the world that it's not funny. i'm glad we're friends. i'm glad we can talk about this. you say people overestimate their importance to you; i won't claim to be glad that i'm important to you. but i'm glad that you're important to me, even if it's a wacky ride as a result. i'm glad you're around, i'm glad we met, and i'm glad i talked to you tonight.

(these are the thoughts from essentially just one of two dozen conversations had tonight. great party rebecca!!!)

i have been very silly with many people and probably bungled a lot of things. but i have all the time in the world to do right by the people i meet from now on. in the short term the odds are against me but long term it is inevitable that i will find somebody who agrees with me that we could make each other some kind of happy.

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